Developer: Aurelien Regard
Steam Release: May 2015
Usual Price: £9.99
Hours Played: 2
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Rating: N/A
When it comes to conventional top-down racers, The Next Penelope is not the one you're looking for and only makes it into my Top 10 of top-down racers to make up the numbers. It is really a diabolical mess of a game that's in a league far away from other decent games of this genre. In fact it is more of a badly done arcade game that should be encased in concrete and sunk with others that shouldn't see the light of day. You take part in five or six chapters of three events in a campaign that you're forced to do before unlocking other parts of the game. Most involve coming first in a race by beating four or five other vehicles but there are other events that are almost like mini-games making the experience a disjointed and unbalanced hodge-podge.
Wrapped up in a nonsensical tale around the Odysseus story, with tediously annoying dialogue boxes to match, you're placed on a track and set off with acceleration set to zero to chase other cars. Moving left or right (speed is done for you) you twist and turn around a track zoomed in so much that anticipating corners has to be done based on memory of previous runs. Each stage unlocks a new power but with only three events per stage you're whisked on to the next one so fast that you never feel there is time to really get used to it let alone master it. Events are poorly designed with one making you use mines simply to gain energy and another having you aimlessly covering a desert to hook mechanical bees. Coins can be collected on the track for experience and used for upgrades but you'll need a huge stash to even unlock the first one.
The game takes its inspiration from the famous ancient Greek story of Odysseus and his long-suffering wife, Penelope. Unfortunately, as a top-down arcade racer is about as far removed as you can get from a story about a tormented and long-suffering wife looking to be reunited with her long-lost husband - the two just don't gel. To add to the randomness and befuddlement of it all you get a tacky galaxy map, that you roam around in very slowly with your ship, which acts as a level-select screen. Here, the dull and completely characterless chapters have their three events mapped out in the most unimaginative and dreary way possible. Other events are sprinkled around untidily as well but, hey, you cannot do these until you unlock weapons in the campaign.
I'm really trying to find something good about this game but even the way you progress is god awful. As mentioned, the campaign is split into six chapters of three events. There is no score, no stars, no best-time... practically nothing to get you back for another go after you've completed the single objective in an event. The level just has the word "done" on it to indicate completion. The first three chapters start out as easy, medium and medium (which are relatively easy to complete) and then shifts to very hard, very hard and impossible for the next three. And, yes, the very hard levels will take multiple efforts meaning you'll need to farm coins for experience to get the upgrades to do them. Oh, and because you need bucket-loads for each incremental upgrade you're in for one hell of a grind - and good luck with that!
I'm sorry to say it but this game gets far too many things wrong for me to be remotely positive about it. Even when redoing one event for extra experience the game forces you to compete in the later ones when you absolutely do not want to. Lack of any sort of best-time or high-score chart makes replayability non-existent and even if this feature gets unlocked later I am sure as hell not going to put myself through its tedious campaign. Personally, I do not know how anyone who has experienced titles such as Bang Bang Racing, Blaze Rush or Little Racers Street would ever want to give this one a go. For those who haven't, it just might provide an hour of fun before its cracks show.
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